Decoys


Year 2004

Corey Sevier as   Luke
Stefanie von Pfetten   as Lilly
Kim Poirier as Constance
Elias Toufexis as  Roger
 
Director - Matthew Hastings  
Screenwriters - Matthew Hastings
  - Tom Berry

If it wasn't for subsidies, movies like Decoys would never be made. Stop it with the subsidies!

Two writers are listed in the credits. Did these people ever talk to each other? Or were the arguing voices in their heads the reason for the lack of any semblance of order or continuity? Although the setting is a small Canadian college, did the writers ever go to college? Animal House is closer to the true collegiate experience than Decoys.

The tagline on the DVD box is the first warning. "They can seduce anyone...Prey it isn't you." "Prey it isn't you?" This makes no sense! It's not even a legitimate pun. A pun needs to at least follow grammar rules. This example only demonstrates what you're in for if you choose to watch this movie.

Here's one plot. Females of an alien race from a nearly frozen planet have come to Earth to collect DNA samples from males and then take those samples to some other nearly frozen planet to continue their species. But because some part of the gene transference involves shoving tentacles down the males' throats and freezing the guys from the inside out, this approach isn't quite working out. Still, the girls are practicing this technique at a college of horny guys, so they keep finding willing partners. Eventually, the girls figure, they'll get it right. Our hero, Luke (Sevier) discovers their nefarious plan and tries to stop them. Other people must be a little leary, too, because by the end of the movie, the invaders are forced to resort to foreign exchange students as willing partners.

Another version of the plot in the same movie is that the aliens are going to breed here on Earth and maybe take it over, at least Canada and other cold places. Miami and Rio look to be safe from the threat.

This has promise to be nice and campy like Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn and you definitely get the idea that movie is trying for that Re-Animator feel. But, Re-Animator was rooted in Lovecraft, not Hastings.

Even the simplest things, like college dormitories, exceed the grasp of the writers. Two guys, Luke and Roger (Toufexis) share a room as freshman at a college. Their room is large and even has a raised sleeping dias. I remember that as a freshman I shared cramped quarters with two other guys. Even seniors did not have the kind of spacious, designer dorm rooms that these freshman have.

Upper classmen in the movie have the small cramped rooms that I remember. But that's okay because the upper classmen, or classwomen in this case, only go there so that Luke can spy on them. Otherwise they stay in some off-campus house, or a sorority house, or brownstone. Where do these people really live? Who knows. Ask one of the writers he'll give you the choice of whatever personality X is telling him at the time.

Luke tries to make points with Lilly (von Pfetten) even though he's a frosh and she's an upper class pre-med student. He invites her to a sorority dance. Uh, what? A guy does not belong to a sorority. How can he offer an invitation?

Lilly is one of the femmes fatales from outer space and if it wasn't for the canker sore on her lip, she'd be attractive. Sometimes the bump is there and covered with lipstick and sometimes it's not. Did she get the herpes during filming or before? It kind of deflates the "gotta have her" persona she's trying for.

It doesn't really matter though because Lilly may already be part of the sorority. She wins the Ice Queen title of the sorority anyway.

How many days elapse during the course of the movie? Good luck trying to figure that one out. On the one hand, it seems like three. On the other hand, it has to be a whole week for all of the ice carving activities, Ice Queen contests, autopsies, and discoveries.

There's even a rush where girls are admitted into the sorority. Doesn't this usually take place at the beginning of a school year? Here, it looks like it's much later in the term.

I do have a couple of favorite scenes, though. The first victim is found with a look of fear on his face and his arms frozen as if fending off an attacker. The policeman announces, "No signs of violence." If it was intended to be joke, it could have been funny. I think that it was meant to be serious, so that made it funny on a different level.

Another line is uttered by Luke, actually he screams it for no apparent reason. His weapon of choice against the cold aliens is a flame thrower or his "The Belt of O'Fryin'". This, unlike the tagline, IS a pun on, "Belt of Orion" which was called attention to earlier in the film and that exchange served no purpose except to set up this later joke.

And that's how I see this movie. It's all done for this one joke and to ogle a couple of pretty girls. Fat, awkward Roger as a love interest for Constance (Poirier)? Too much of a stretch. DNA through normal intercourse that also requires implanting an egg in the stomach of a male? Boggling of the mind. Aliens who can look exactly like humans except for the lack of a belly button and a dark spot for tentatcle ingress and egress? Either you can be a duplicate or not - pick one and run with it. And of course the biggest nonsense...human DNA matches alien DNA? What next? Cats and dogs living together and having puppens? Or kitpies?

Acting is non-existent. There's always some extreme emotion. Love, hate, fear, anger, etc. so no one has to act, they just need to whisper, shout, cry, scream, etc.

The best thing about this movie is the main alien girls, Lilly and Constance. They're topless a couple of times. Lilly has that canker sore, though. Constance has a very pretty face but it looks like the camera added ten pounds to her arms.

Some nudity, blasphemy, and profanity. It's not even accidentally funny or entertaining.


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