Year 1962

Richard Kiel   as  Eegah
Marilyn Manning as Roxy Miller
Arch Hall Jr. as Tom Nelson
Arch Hall Sr. (as William Waters)   as Robert Miller
Director - Arch Hall Sr.
Screenwriter - Bob Wehling
Original Story   - Arch Hall Jr.

Maybe not the worst movie ever made (maybe), Eegah is pretty bad. And going through the cast and crew credits, it just got sleazy.

The basic premise is sort of like King Kong only sleazier. Thing/person that time forgot has been rediscovered by modern man and likes a girl, so he goes and gets her. Of course, he gets killed in the process. Unlike the bigger budget King Kong with planes atop the Empire State building, Eegah (Richard Kiel) has to settle for a couple of cops atop the cool deck of country club swimming pool. It's more like a motel swimming pool, too.

Poor Eegah. You see Eegah has been living in the hills outside of some California city for a few hundred years (it's the sulphur in the water according to archeologist/adventurer Robert Miller) and decides one night to chase his dinner across a paved road. He meets Roxy Miller (Marilyn Manning) in her sports car on the way.

Rather than leave him be, the girl, her boyfriend, and her dad go into the desert after Eegah. He abducts both Millers, that is the dad and his daughter. Unaffected for the moment by Eegah's attempts to woo her, Roxy escapes along with her father. The love struck Eegah goes after them and is undone by love (or lust since it's been a couple of hundred years for the poor guy).

That sounds pretty simple. How did this turn out to be an hour and a half? Singing. Roxy's boyfriend Tom (Arch Hall, Jr.) keeps singing. He just won't stop. He'll sing about Valerie and Vicky and summertime. Why won't he sing about Roxy? That's the name of his girl. Not Valerie or Vicky or Laura.

Maybe because he doesn't want to hurt Roxy's feelings? I mean if someone composed a song to me and included lines like, "the first day we met was the last day of happiness for me" I might not think it was flattering. At least you know that no song from this movie would ever make it as a popular song in the real world...or would it?

Let's talk about Roxy. She's a little long in the tooth to be the Tom's girlfriend. He's about seventeen or eighteen. She's twenty-five if she's a day. Long legs, though, even if they are a bit flabby in the thighs. She's almost got a Sigourney Weaver look to her.

Hams got gams

But she's still too old for Tom. In fact, she could pass for Robert Miller's trophy wife instead of his daughter, as she's supposed to be in the movie. There's one scene where she shaves her "dad". It's a little creepy. If she was five or six, it would be cute. But she's in her mid-twenties, playing at being a teenager, shaving the face of guy who might not be old enough to be her father but according to the movie really is. It's almost dirty.

I mentioned sleazy, earlier. Well, her boyfriend and father are played by the real-life father and son tag team of Arch Hall, Sr. and Jr. Once you know, you cannot get the weirdness out of your head. Is the father trying to get the son a girl or vice versa? Marilyn Manning is not that good of an actress. How did she get the part besides having long legs?

Anyway, Eegah has designs on Roxy/Marilyn as well. In fact, after he captures her, a good portion of the film is focused on Roxy avoiding Eegah's advances, while her "father" watches.

If I made this sound intriguing, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. There's really nothing to see here, or hear for that matter unless you like lame folk songs written with a surfer's vocabulary.

There is one mystery in the film though. It's how did Richard Kiel's career survive? After Eegah (or is it EEGAH!) he was notable in The Longest Yard ("I'm gonna break his <effing> neck.") and he played Jaws in two 007 movies. These were in addition to dozens of other movie and television appearances, unlike Marilyn Manning (who looks better than Richard Kiel) or the lecherous Arch Halls. Although the fact that the trio of Junior, Senior, and Manning were in two other movies together makes you wonder who was "zooming" whom?

So what makes this movie so bad? I mean besides being boring? Richard Kiel does a good job of playing a giant. He doesn't talk much, if at all. Here's one for you. His grunts are dubbed. Really. He's supposed to be grunting, you can hear the sounds, but his mouth is firmly shut. That's a new take. The mouth movements in the dubbed Godzilla match the words more closely than Eegah's dialog matches his lip movements.

The portly Arch Hall, Sr. as an archeologist/adventurer? Really? One look at the man in his safari shorts and socks and one thought you won't have is that he's hearty and manly...or competent.

The "sets" don't make sense. "Country Club" scenes are shot in a house. House scenes are in the same building as the "Country Club". You have no idea where the characters are until they tell least when they're in town. Out of town, they're in a desert. The desert was convincing.

The touches of humor are unfunny. A drunk sees Eegah and says he's "had enough". That's funny? The touches of drama are disease carrying. Tom's band is playing, Tom is dancing with Roxy, another band member decides to dance with Roxy, she's pretty receptive to the idea, and a fight breaks out. Now that's drama!

Roxy ends up liking Eegah in, perhaps, a romantic way. Considering his competition in town, I can see it. So, she's sad when he dies at the end.

And at the end, there's a quote from the Bible, of all books, in an attempt to make the move seem somehow more than King Kong detritus. It doesn't work.

Not a good movie. Not even unintentionally funny. I suppose that if you've been drinking and want to make fun of a movie, this might do. Chances are that you'll go to sleep before the movie finishes, though.

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